I came back from Iraq in 2005 badly damaged. I have made several attempts over the years to reconnect with the Church (in several different states) and was rejected each time. The only place where I was even engaged in conversation was the Orthodox Church in Colorado Springs, but even there I felt like an outsider. I walked the Camino de Santiago in 2024 and again in 2025 and found each time a number of Camino addicts i.e. people who returned time and again to walk the 500 miles to Santiago. I realized this last time why they did it--community. Living at a walking pace for over a month changes your perception of time. Walking for hours each day with strangers from around the world changes your perception of humanity. You actually get to know each other. People are kind to each other and genuinely care, and most are not even Christian. I was able to share my faith, and converse with unbelievers in a meaningful way. And I had unbelievers minister to me in ways the Church never did, and through them I found healing. Now I too am hooked, I will walk the Camino again in September this year God willing. It would be nice to find this at home though.
I hope this doesn’t seem flippant or far-fetched. But I’m wondering if part of our failed efforts at bonding are in the realm of biology. Thinking about Fr Seraphim Rose’s quote about late-time martyrdom being psychological (or something to that effect). Have you heard of the gut/brain axis? This is the knowledge coming to light that the microbial community in our guts makes serotonin and many other neuro chemicals, that act on our emotional state when we eat. However, modern life has impacted these microbial communities negatively in such a way, that many people get a bad emotional state when they eat due to gut dysbiosis. Reuteri is a mammalian Lactobacillus that has largely gone missing in modern Western man. Believe it or not, many people are incubating this at home and eating it daily as ‘yogurt.’ It’s fairly common they report they are more patient and easier to get along with from eating reuteri daily. You can read this in Amazon reviews for reuteri cultures. Imagine in times past we as humans used to break bread together and feel a sense of contentment and bonding. But now that doesn’t happen across the board. Now there are many people who—due to gut dysbiosis—when they eat, feel anxious, bloated and exhausted instead of energized and content. Obviously this isn’t the sole problem in our alienated times, but it’s a data point.
I have thought a lot about loneliness and community. I’ve been lonely a lot in my life, enough to make me ask, what does it feel like to not be lonely? I don’t know if everyone’s answer would be the same but mine would be sharing life with others. To do that, we have to be on the same path, going towards the same goal, and be able to share in it as it goes. I think that’s what Bruce Kellogg (fellow commenter) finds when he walks the Camino. People from all walks of life, having the same goal, walking together, sharing it as they go. Like Kenneth said, the formal structure gives opportunity but the actual fellowship is organic and takes people being open.
I find I don’t want to be available sometimes. My mother is a wonderful soul but she is very cautious with friendships and acts as though she feels she might get too deep and may be taken advantage of (she had a strained family life growing up). I grew up with that awareness even though it was never formally taught to me. Over time I noticed it and decided that there was no way to love others like Christ loved me if I kept that fear. So I dove into friendships and while I had great joy loving others I found others didn’t know how to take it. I thought that they might have the same fear I had. But I found some that were wanting the same as me and those have been some amazing friendships!!
Hospitality starts in the heart. I find that being interested in the person God puts in front of me, like being interested in a good book, is such a great place to start.
We have a godson named Ken, just a decade younger than you. We've had him over to our home a couple of times, and this weekend he should be back in town (he's a travelling nurse) and at church. So I plan to invite him over again. Fellowship/community/koinonia is essential for discipling.
I especially appreciated your quotes from St John of Kronstadt - he's my patron saint. In 2008, as we wrapped up our 17 years in Russia as missionaries (we left the U.S. as evangelicals and returned as Orthodox). we visited the monastery where he is in repose to venerate him. I bought his book "Моя Жизнь во Христе" ("My Life in Christ") in Russian and read it. I'm fluent in Russian and taught in seminaries and universities there. Since then, I've read the book in English,
[Aside: He also wrote a small book "О Кресте Христовым" ("On the Cross of Christ") that is only in Russian. He explains that the three-bar cross is not very ancient, it arose about the time of the split between the Old Believers and what is now the Russian Orthodox Church The three-bar cross originated with the Old Believers. I've thought of translating it into English.]
Back to the topic of fellowship/community/koinonia: I've been focused on this for at least three decades now. Our son, who's an architect, included in his M.S. thesis a quote from Winston Churchill: "We shape our buildings, and then they shape us." I've borrowed this phrase in some of my essays. My 2 masters' degrees and my doctorate are focused on this idea of shaping our built environment in a way that builds community.
My son and I have developed plans for an energy-efficient, solar-powered, fully-accessible Christian community that incorporates a chapel / community room and 12 living units for families, singles, disabled people, and elderly people. You can read about it here: www.Agape-Restoration-Society.org/build.htm - please let me know what you think of it.
We live on the outskirts of a metropolitan area. I know my closest neighbors but our main interaction is talking in our front yards. Our schedules preclude much more.
I would love to interact with friends more at our home, but we find the traffic a distance from each other makes it easier to meet for lunch at a restaurant. I spend more time than I like to think about on the phone. There are several people who I know as soon as they answer, it will be an hour talking and listening. I try to limit those to twice a month to make time for those I can see in person.
We also have children and grandchildren we need to make priorities while we have them around (and are around ourselves).
It is indeed a different world than the one we once knew.
Thank you for sharing! Saved some of your thoughts and St John of Kronstadt’s reflections! Do you find that connection with others in your Church’s agape meals after service? I am in a big parish and have found connecting with others challenging. God bless
Thank you for sharing. Interestingly, this is one area where my experience is probably a bit unusual. I'm actually more of a loner by nature, but for whatever reason, we have never struggled to connect with people in all sorts of different church settings. I suspect part of it is that we came of age in the coffeehouse culture of the 1990s and still tend to hang out (I use the word 'linger'), talk, and make ourselves available to people.
Because of that, many of my observations come less from personal experience and more from what I've witnessed in parishes over the years, as well as from the many emails I've received from readers expressing similar feelings of isolation and difficulty finding community.
I do think what you're describing is more common than many people realize, especially in larger parishes. God bless.
Yeesh, this article is spot on and really encapsulates something I have been having a hard time explaining.
Lately I have been trying really hard to get involved in a church, but just find most offer me more busyness and no one really knows anyone it seems. What a weird world we live in.
I am trying to keep attending my local church of ireland in the hope that one day someone will engage me in conversation - last week I left in tears feeling so alone - people smile and the rector shakes my hand and wishes me good morning but noone tries to get to know me - the warmest thing is that when I give in my hymnal and prayerbook he says God bless!
I am new here in a small town and although brought up in an anglican church my life has taken me through a return to God with 12 step programme work in AlAnon and thence through deep dives into a meditation group that grew pout of TM and then a small esoteric group called The Universal order , and a training as an Interfaith Minister -but now I feel a pull back to worship within a Christian ethos but finding it difficult to find community, even though I have been part of more interfaith groups quite happily for years. Community outside of Christian circles has often happened around me in an informal way and without having made it happen intentionally.
Wonderful post! I am an Orthodox Christian, former Protestant. Have wondered if there are any parishes which use an "American" sound in their Holy Liturgy and worship services. I have attended Antiochian, OCA, and Serbian parishes. All use sounds of the original culture. I wonder if any American parishes use American sounds (8 note scales, do-re-mi). I know there is Western rite and Appalachian styling. I wonder if the Russian missionaries who took 2 years to learn the Alaskan native language (very wise) did the same when teaching them how to sing, or did they just teach them to sing like Russians? While I reject praise bands and pop song worship by Protestants, I wonder how many more seekers we might attract if the musical style were more attuned to American ears? Might you write an article tackling this subject?
I came back from Iraq in 2005 badly damaged. I have made several attempts over the years to reconnect with the Church (in several different states) and was rejected each time. The only place where I was even engaged in conversation was the Orthodox Church in Colorado Springs, but even there I felt like an outsider. I walked the Camino de Santiago in 2024 and again in 2025 and found each time a number of Camino addicts i.e. people who returned time and again to walk the 500 miles to Santiago. I realized this last time why they did it--community. Living at a walking pace for over a month changes your perception of time. Walking for hours each day with strangers from around the world changes your perception of humanity. You actually get to know each other. People are kind to each other and genuinely care, and most are not even Christian. I was able to share my faith, and converse with unbelievers in a meaningful way. And I had unbelievers minister to me in ways the Church never did, and through them I found healing. Now I too am hooked, I will walk the Camino again in September this year God willing. It would be nice to find this at home though.
We share the same last name and desire for community. Hope your walks and adventures find you in good company my fellow Kellogg.
Are you related to the cereal company? That is what I have heard my whole life!
Same I get that all the time and when I tell people no, they don’t believe me sometimes!!
I hope this doesn’t seem flippant or far-fetched. But I’m wondering if part of our failed efforts at bonding are in the realm of biology. Thinking about Fr Seraphim Rose’s quote about late-time martyrdom being psychological (or something to that effect). Have you heard of the gut/brain axis? This is the knowledge coming to light that the microbial community in our guts makes serotonin and many other neuro chemicals, that act on our emotional state when we eat. However, modern life has impacted these microbial communities negatively in such a way, that many people get a bad emotional state when they eat due to gut dysbiosis. Reuteri is a mammalian Lactobacillus that has largely gone missing in modern Western man. Believe it or not, many people are incubating this at home and eating it daily as ‘yogurt.’ It’s fairly common they report they are more patient and easier to get along with from eating reuteri daily. You can read this in Amazon reviews for reuteri cultures. Imagine in times past we as humans used to break bread together and feel a sense of contentment and bonding. But now that doesn’t happen across the board. Now there are many people who—due to gut dysbiosis—when they eat, feel anxious, bloated and exhausted instead of energized and content. Obviously this isn’t the sole problem in our alienated times, but it’s a data point.
I don’t think it sounds flippant, diet, food, etc most likely effect us a lot more than we realize
"Reuteri...report they are more patient and easier to get along with..." Be right back, heading to Amazon.
I have thought a lot about loneliness and community. I’ve been lonely a lot in my life, enough to make me ask, what does it feel like to not be lonely? I don’t know if everyone’s answer would be the same but mine would be sharing life with others. To do that, we have to be on the same path, going towards the same goal, and be able to share in it as it goes. I think that’s what Bruce Kellogg (fellow commenter) finds when he walks the Camino. People from all walks of life, having the same goal, walking together, sharing it as they go. Like Kenneth said, the formal structure gives opportunity but the actual fellowship is organic and takes people being open.
I find I don’t want to be available sometimes. My mother is a wonderful soul but she is very cautious with friendships and acts as though she feels she might get too deep and may be taken advantage of (she had a strained family life growing up). I grew up with that awareness even though it was never formally taught to me. Over time I noticed it and decided that there was no way to love others like Christ loved me if I kept that fear. So I dove into friendships and while I had great joy loving others I found others didn’t know how to take it. I thought that they might have the same fear I had. But I found some that were wanting the same as me and those have been some amazing friendships!!
Hospitality starts in the heart. I find that being interested in the person God puts in front of me, like being interested in a good book, is such a great place to start.
Thanks, brother Ken,
We have a godson named Ken, just a decade younger than you. We've had him over to our home a couple of times, and this weekend he should be back in town (he's a travelling nurse) and at church. So I plan to invite him over again. Fellowship/community/koinonia is essential for discipling.
I especially appreciated your quotes from St John of Kronstadt - he's my patron saint. In 2008, as we wrapped up our 17 years in Russia as missionaries (we left the U.S. as evangelicals and returned as Orthodox). we visited the monastery where he is in repose to venerate him. I bought his book "Моя Жизнь во Христе" ("My Life in Christ") in Russian and read it. I'm fluent in Russian and taught in seminaries and universities there. Since then, I've read the book in English,
[Aside: He also wrote a small book "О Кресте Христовым" ("On the Cross of Christ") that is only in Russian. He explains that the three-bar cross is not very ancient, it arose about the time of the split between the Old Believers and what is now the Russian Orthodox Church The three-bar cross originated with the Old Believers. I've thought of translating it into English.]
Back to the topic of fellowship/community/koinonia: I've been focused on this for at least three decades now. Our son, who's an architect, included in his M.S. thesis a quote from Winston Churchill: "We shape our buildings, and then they shape us." I've borrowed this phrase in some of my essays. My 2 masters' degrees and my doctorate are focused on this idea of shaping our built environment in a way that builds community.
My son and I have developed plans for an energy-efficient, solar-powered, fully-accessible Christian community that incorporates a chapel / community room and 12 living units for families, singles, disabled people, and elderly people. You can read about it here: www.Agape-Restoration-Society.org/build.htm - please let me know what you think of it.
We live on the outskirts of a metropolitan area. I know my closest neighbors but our main interaction is talking in our front yards. Our schedules preclude much more.
I would love to interact with friends more at our home, but we find the traffic a distance from each other makes it easier to meet for lunch at a restaurant. I spend more time than I like to think about on the phone. There are several people who I know as soon as they answer, it will be an hour talking and listening. I try to limit those to twice a month to make time for those I can see in person.
We also have children and grandchildren we need to make priorities while we have them around (and are around ourselves).
It is indeed a different world than the one we once knew.
Thank you for sharing! Saved some of your thoughts and St John of Kronstadt’s reflections! Do you find that connection with others in your Church’s agape meals after service? I am in a big parish and have found connecting with others challenging. God bless
Thank you for sharing. Interestingly, this is one area where my experience is probably a bit unusual. I'm actually more of a loner by nature, but for whatever reason, we have never struggled to connect with people in all sorts of different church settings. I suspect part of it is that we came of age in the coffeehouse culture of the 1990s and still tend to hang out (I use the word 'linger'), talk, and make ourselves available to people.
Because of that, many of my observations come less from personal experience and more from what I've witnessed in parishes over the years, as well as from the many emails I've received from readers expressing similar feelings of isolation and difficulty finding community.
I do think what you're describing is more common than many people realize, especially in larger parishes. God bless.
Thank you again for the feedback. Being available even if it “messes” up my schedule is a new priority. Have a great week
Yeesh, this article is spot on and really encapsulates something I have been having a hard time explaining.
Lately I have been trying really hard to get involved in a church, but just find most offer me more busyness and no one really knows anyone it seems. What a weird world we live in.
I am trying to keep attending my local church of ireland in the hope that one day someone will engage me in conversation - last week I left in tears feeling so alone - people smile and the rector shakes my hand and wishes me good morning but noone tries to get to know me - the warmest thing is that when I give in my hymnal and prayerbook he says God bless!
I am new here in a small town and although brought up in an anglican church my life has taken me through a return to God with 12 step programme work in AlAnon and thence through deep dives into a meditation group that grew pout of TM and then a small esoteric group called The Universal order , and a training as an Interfaith Minister -but now I feel a pull back to worship within a Christian ethos but finding it difficult to find community, even though I have been part of more interfaith groups quite happily for years. Community outside of Christian circles has often happened around me in an informal way and without having made it happen intentionally.
Wonderful post! I am an Orthodox Christian, former Protestant. Have wondered if there are any parishes which use an "American" sound in their Holy Liturgy and worship services. I have attended Antiochian, OCA, and Serbian parishes. All use sounds of the original culture. I wonder if any American parishes use American sounds (8 note scales, do-re-mi). I know there is Western rite and Appalachian styling. I wonder if the Russian missionaries who took 2 years to learn the Alaskan native language (very wise) did the same when teaching them how to sing, or did they just teach them to sing like Russians? While I reject praise bands and pop song worship by Protestants, I wonder how many more seekers we might attract if the musical style were more attuned to American ears? Might you write an article tackling this subject?
I so resonate with your insightful, thoughtful words. So beautifully expressed coming from what must be a deep understanding and abiding. Thank you :)